So this is something that happened a few weeks ago now. While on vacation in Hawaii and doing a lot of birdwatching, I decided to visit a location further in the mountains which could have native hawaiian birds. I checked on this hike ahead of time through Ebird, but didn't look closely at the hike details (distance, elevation changes). Turns out, the hike is a total distance of 4.7 miles to do the whole loop! Not to mention, depending on the direction you approach the hike, there is quite significant elevation changes at the start (or end) of the hike. I brought a few things with me: my camera and binoculars (see here), my handbag (with miscellaneous things including my phone, wallet, anti-itch cream, some painkillers, bandages) and my backpack, with a 12 ounce water bottle filled with water. This is my first failing; this is too little water for a shorter, less intense hike, let alone a 4 mile hike. Additionally, I did not pack any snacks for energy. The weather was around 75-80 degree heat and pretty humid, and I arrived at noon. Another issue, one of the warmest times of the day is from 12-4 or so.

I saw a decent amount of birds. The time of day didn't help though, so I didn't see as many species as I wanted, but its okay. By the 1.5 mile mark, I was already out of water and very thirsty. I consulted my phone to get a sense of how far I was. I had walked 1.5 miles on mildly difficult terrain (ups and downs in elevation, uneven paths). At this point, I should have turned around. I would have only hiked 3 miles. Instead, though, I incorrectly assumed that the remaining portion of the loop would only be another 1.5 miles, and it seemed to go downhill. The last portion of the hike was actually 2.5 miles. It was mostly downhill, apart from near the end which had a 151 foot ascent. I didn't look closely, I was quite tired from the hike thus far and wanted to return to my hotel. I noticed I was hungry after expending so much energy, and at this point I realized how woefully unprepared I was. All I had at this point was some gum which could at least be enough to keep me going. I made my way back along the path, taking breaks periodically whenever I could find somewhere to take a seat (my feet were exhausted too). Now, that dip at the very end? That turned out to be a very humid valley with a ton of mosquitos and bugs. Out of energy, I just kept trudging along. I ended up having at least 20 mosquito bites on my legs. Once I reached the end, I covered my legs in the anti-itch cream to avoid making them worse. I got an uber and went back to my hotel room, drinking water and having a bit of a snack while resting my whole body.

Since then, I have made sure to bring plenty of water to my birding trips. I keep snacks in my car in case I expect being out for awhile or will be far from my car. I have a camelback that I take with me, which goes a long way to keeping me hydrated. This hike reminded me that I need to be prepared, the motto of scouting.

I have been on what feels like a constant downslide with my mental health for a few months now. I've gone through several appointments for changing medication and dosage and while the newest medication I'm on is kinda helping, it doesn't feel like enough. I still grapple with suicidal thoughts and ideation, something that was far less common before this current apparent episode. Not to mention thoughts of wanting to hurt myself and thinking of ways to do it. I've had my boyfriend take away sharp objects that I was either tempted to use or did use. But the thoughts still happen. And today after a big social event when I got back to my apartment I felt spurred on to declutter some things. At some point I had tried to get back into making my second fursuit (a Quaquaval) but that motivation lasted all of a week. The stuff had since been sitting in the living room. There were also still some christmas gifts that we hadn't put away (lot of lego sets and puzzles, which will be done at some point). In the process of clearing this all and storing it away, I had another moment of intense self hatred and loathing. Contemplating and looking directly at all the shit I own (I have a lot of hobbies and a bad tendency to get really invested in them) and feeling terrible because of how much of it hadn't been touched for a long time. an overwhelming feeling of no one cares. i should just give up because its pointless. ive been criticized enough to realize this.

unfortunately while going through this i came across a sewing needle. these are one of the objects i would use. without thinking i picked it up and... made two "marks" on my arm. I promptly put it away, locked away and out of sight. i feel so empty. i dont think anyone actually cares about me. whats the point

Went birdwatching today, I don't know why but for whatever reason I'm often compelled to drive a good ways away (today it was over an hour drive) for birdwatching instead of places nearby. Maybe because I've gone to most of the places around where I live. Driving that distance takes a good portion of time out of my day which is the only gripe I have, because the actual birdwatching is fun (and I don't mind driving). I'm also trying to bird wherever I can in Iowa while I live here, as I'm going to move to Colorado this summer/fall to pursue my PhD! Looking forward to that, plenty of birdwatching I can do in the area.

While driving I had a lot of time to free think. I've been having the urge to somehow make music, but whenever I've started (either by messing with a DAW or my instruments) I'm immediately intimidated and bail. All the ideas are in my head and the vision is in there, but I just can't figure out how to execute on it. Idk what to do tbh. I've also been reminded of my two stories I started writing probably over a year ago and had new ideas on how to execute on some of them. My first one, which is a post-apocalyptic avian furry novel set in the US, following Melody who wakes up with amnesia. The second is a sci-fi story which revolves around two characters and their respective ship computers. The characters are written in first or third person, depending on whos in focus. It's an interesting writing challenge. Both of these are meant to include ergodic novel aspects which is one of my favorite book genres (re: House of Leaves).