I have been on what feels like a constant downslide with my mental health for a few months now. I've gone through several appointments for changing medication and dosage and while the newest medication I'm on is kinda helping, it doesn't feel like enough. I still grapple with suicidal thoughts and ideation, something that was far less common before this current apparent episode. Not to mention thoughts of wanting to hurt myself and thinking of ways to do it. I've had my boyfriend take away sharp objects that I was either tempted to use or did use. But the thoughts still happen. And today after a big social event when I got back to my apartment I felt spurred on to declutter some things. At some point I had tried to get back into making my second fursuit (a Quaquaval) but that motivation lasted all of a week. The stuff had since been sitting in the living room. There were also still some christmas gifts that we hadn't put away (lot of lego sets and puzzles, which will be done at some point). In the process of clearing this all and storing it away, I had another moment of intense self hatred and loathing. Contemplating and looking directly at all the shit I own (I have a lot of hobbies and a bad tendency to get really invested in them) and feeling terrible because of how much of it hadn't been touched for a long time. an overwhelming feeling of no one cares. i should just give up because its pointless. ive been criticized enough to realize this.

unfortunately while going through this i came across a sewing needle. these are one of the objects i would use. without thinking i picked it up and... made two "marks" on my arm. I promptly put it away, locked away and out of sight. i feel so empty. i dont think anyone actually cares about me. whats the point

Went birdwatching today, I don't know why but for whatever reason I'm often compelled to drive a good ways away (today it was over an hour drive) for birdwatching instead of places nearby. Maybe because I've gone to most of the places around where I live. Driving that distance takes a good portion of time out of my day which is the only gripe I have, because the actual birdwatching is fun (and I don't mind driving). I'm also trying to bird wherever I can in Iowa while I live here, as I'm going to move to Colorado this summer/fall to pursue my PhD! Looking forward to that, plenty of birdwatching I can do in the area.

While driving I had a lot of time to free think. I've been having the urge to somehow make music, but whenever I've started (either by messing with a DAW or my instruments) I'm immediately intimidated and bail. All the ideas are in my head and the vision is in there, but I just can't figure out how to execute on it. Idk what to do tbh. I've also been reminded of my two stories I started writing probably over a year ago and had new ideas on how to execute on some of them. My first one, which is a post-apocalyptic avian furry novel set in the US, following Melody who wakes up with amnesia. The second is a sci-fi story which revolves around two characters and their respective ship computers. The characters are written in first or third person, depending on whos in focus. It's an interesting writing challenge. Both of these are meant to include ergodic novel aspects which is one of my favorite book genres (re: House of Leaves).